Reply To: Student: Brenda Davis Homework Thread

Home Forums HOOK ‘EM DANO Student: Brenda Davis Homework Thread Reply To: Student: Brenda Davis Homework Thread

Vicki Briner

Hi Brenda,

I agree with Linnea. You have a wonderful way with words and your descriptions are rich and vivid. I have two main thoughts on your opening.

First, you spend a lot of time talking about the gloves. It made me wonder if there was something special or significant about them. I also wondered if you were setting the stage for the gloves to be a motif, which would be kind of cool. Mostly, it seems as if she’s drawn to the gloves because they represent someone exciting, which I’m guessing reflects the fact she’s not happy with her current self/life. If that’s the case, I’d rather get little snippets of who she is (bored with her job as a CNA, relationship that’s going nowhere, etc.), rather than spend a lot of time on her firing. Also, as an aside, I would think she’d be incensed to find out they have been monitoring her like this. It almost seems like she’s being targeted by management for some reason.

My second thought was that you introduce a lot of characters in the opening: Charlene, Madison, Eugene, Rupert, Ned. I think when you name a character, the reader starts to wonder if it’s someone important, do they need to remember this person, etc., and when you throw too many at them, it’s overwhelming. My suggestion is that if these people aren’t going to reappear, then maybe you cut down the amount of interaction and perhaps even use their surnames, i.e. Mr. Jones, to show they aren’t important people in Charlene’s life (or at least not going forward in her life).


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