Hi Ana, I love your premise, and I would definitely read your book.
I have one issue with your re-write, and that is i don’t feel like I am in your MC’s head.I’m not sure I know how to explain, but I will try to give you an example of what I mean. As she walks towards the building she describes the building’s color and her surroundings. She has been going there for years ( you tell the reader that) and so I don’t believe she would think of the building’s color the way you wrote it. Maybe you could just say something like the building’s drab color …described her mood…..grey. Or how even though she’s been going there for years she can’t get over that the building has never been painted. The same thing with the steel door….instead of describing the door could you tell me how she feels when she opens the door….its heavy maybe and she feels its meant to keep her out.
Also what is she feeling as she walks towards the building….It’s been two weeks and last time when she left she felt depressed ..she’s hoping not to feel that way today. Will today be the day her dad might remember some detail about her mom? Build the tension for me. I want to feel her trepidation at being there. Make me wonder what she is here to find out.
Same thing when she sees her dad she describes the cameras that track him. Instead of telling me the cameras are there can she just look up at them and frown or say something under her breath about them. Tell me how does she feel about their intrusion.
And when her dad starts to remember…..is she nervous at what she will find out. What does she do physically while he is telling her….bite her lip, wring her hands, walk back and forth. I need to feel what she is feeling. And when they are interrupted….her blood boiled…what else….did her stomach clinch in a knot….did her head hurt…..did she want to hit anyone….I want her to feel passionate about this…it is a revelation and now it is stopped in mid-stream by someone, and for me she hardly shows any reaction. And what is she going to do to persuade someone to let her stay? Have they ever let her stay before. What did she do that time….I need to know. You have a great storyline …I would read this book for sure but I need to have more skin in the game to care about.
Hope you find this helpful!