Reply To: Student: Ellen Gilman Homework Thread

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I really like your revised intro too, especially when she shows her skill at flower arranging.

I would not have Edward “squawk”. That makes him sound less attractive, IMHO.

Also, I wondered why she looked terrible. You could also have Edward come to her office because he heard Sondra is now working on the pharmaceutical case and not her, and he can’t believe her father didn’t staff her on that case. Unless she looks terrible because she’s stressed about her decision.

I also thought that if she’s walking around getting the scissors, it’s a little weird that she doesn’t also get the flower arrangement while she’s up.  (But this is because in my house, with kids, we have a lot of arguments about who’s closest and who’s already up when someone asks for something.)

I didn’t see any unnecessary backstory. I like the way you know wove in the tension between the father and the mother. I am not sure what her misbelief is (maybe it relates to that she thought she wanted to be a lawyer).


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