This is even better than the first draft, and I really liked the first draft. The only thing that struck me was that if she just moved into a place, I would expect some sort of “exploring/this is new”feeling. I really loved how you wrote that you loved the descriptions of places in openings, and I feel like you could add a bit more of that here. Is there something she likes about this new bedroom compared to her previous bedroom? Does this room have a closet and maybe the last one didn’t? Or is there less space? Has she changed the layout of her furniture? She could even ask the stuffies what they think of the new room?
I had a bit of internal dialogue that talked about how boring this room was compared to some of the other houses she’s lived in, but it got smooshed out during edits because I couldn’t manage to fit it in right. ((Plus the complaint involved a lot of repetitious words and it annoyed me XD )) I spread the introduction and details between action, over the course of the whole chapter. I have more details, along with a confrontation with Linda to illustrate their dynamic and a calming exercise that introduces the functional magic in the world.
I really want to go back and return the house descriptions, though, if I can do it without slowing everything down a whole bunch. There was one with really nice fireplace mantles, one with a wraparound deck (shared by the other tenants), a trailer rocked during storms and felt like a cozy cradle if she closed her eyes. Oh! I could definitely add that last one in, to show how she wishes she had a mom who could sing her to sleep. She has a playlist of lullabies for bad nights. ((Linda is her cousin, and would much rather be doing something else thankyouverymuch))
There may not be room in these first 1000 words, but I think I’ve got a place to put it in the first chapter. Thank you, Kathy!
Hi Kendra, As I said before I have never read your genre. I love what you wrote though, and it seems to me its perfect. I can’t think of anything I would change at this point. I got the “stuffies” right away but maybe that is because i was a major stuffed animal sleep in my bed kind of kid especially because I was never allowed to have a dog as a kid. I hope to read more…I’m intrigued!!!
Thanks so much Ellen! I wanted to give her pets, but they move around so much, and the apartment is empty for most of the book, so that wouldn’t work. To be honest, Clan Stuffy is an author insert XD I don’t have a lion, but Biern, Ricky, Stuffy, Raine, and Lock are all staring at me from my pillows like “Yup. We’re gonna be famous.”
Oh! and if anyone has an opinion/experience on this, what might make this sound less like a YA novel to start?
Author of Renn and The Springfield Chronicles
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by kendra.frost.