Reply To: Vicki Briner Submissions

Home Forums Critique Forum Vicki Briner Submissions Reply To: Vicki Briner Submissions

Zara West

Hi Vicki,

I think you are contemplating that moving the setting from plane to say the hanger is more involved than it really is. It certainly will not change anything about her Papi’s decision to let them roam free. Here is one possible scenario:

1. They are unloaded from the plane.

2. Eric is placed in a storage area while the brutes call Papi to find out what do with him.

3. Meanwhile Elise pretends she has to go to the bathroom. Instead she sneaks into the storage room and they proceed with confessions and loving as written except instead of a bed they sit on a stack of bags of food being delivered to Papi’s.

4. At the end, the men come in  and hurry them along to Papi’s.

5. The next chapter starts with the arrival at Papi’s, and he can be magnanimous to her.

Not seeing the next chapter I am sure this isn’t perfect but I think it is workable.

Here is a suggestion what I mean as a possible reset:

The plane landed sooner than Eric expected, and they were quickly hustled across the tarmac and into the small hanger of another the private airfield. Sergio grabbed his shoulder and pushed him into a small storage area. With practiced ease, he fastened Eric’s bound hands to the side of a large slatted crate.

“You stay right there while I find out what Papi wants to do with our unexpected federal.”

Elise peered at him over Sergio’s shoulder. Was that hate in her eyes? Or something else?

She tapped Sergio’s shoulder. “Cousin. I need to use the ladies’ room.”

He shrugged. “It’s over there.” Then he pulled out his cell and sauntered away.

Moments later, Elise slipped back into the storage area. The door clicked shut behind her.

“Sergio is still on the phone,” she whispered. “We need to talk.”

Eric shook his head. She was going to get in trouble. “You shouldn’t…”

“Shouldn’t what?” Her glare bore into him like a laser. Whatever she planned to say, she couldn’t make him feel any worse.



Forgot Password?

Join Us