Rebecca Rector’s <u>Delivering Danger</u> (great title)
I really loved this opening and so I studied it to see what drew me in. Definitely voice. And for specificity, I think this sentence where he refers to the uniformed guards as “uniforms” which seems so spot on.
Uniforms were never good. Never met any that lived up to the brightness of his shiny
buttons. Especially here in Earth Port City.
At first I couldn’t find any issues. But then I thought about Linnea’s comments about what is credible and I thought that this could be changed:
“You think we did right?” the bald uniform said, as they shoved their way through the
crowd. “Putting it through a regular delivery service?”
“You want to get shot up? Course we did right. Let someone else take the risk.”
Shot up. Risk. What were they talking about? [They merged into the crowd.]
An oily-haired businessman strode along like he owned the place and knocked into me.
“Hey!” he yelled, like it was my fault.
It doesn’t seem like he’d overhear their conversation if they were in a crowd and he was pressed up against a shop. Or that they’d have that conversation in a crowd. Maybe change that to: as they passed by him. I think we would believe that they would disregard him because he’s a small boy.
Then have them merge into the crowd.
Mary Haselbue’s opening for <u>In the Cards</u> (Love the title):
I really enjoyed the dialogue here, but since I am not that familiar with Con, I became a bit confused at parts. Also, there was the heads talking in white space syndrome, which I do all the time in my manuscript. (And even when I think I’ve found them all, I still find pages of heads talking in white space.) But this is a great opportunity to give more of a feel for the whole convention.
Cecelia handed the dark-haired man her business card. “Now, keep this. It is playable in the game. If you have any questions about the rules just text me.” He thanked her, slipped the card into the bag, and ran off.
I got confused about why a business card is playable in the game. And it seems odd that he would “run” off in a big crowded, convention hall. Maybe have him disappear into the crowd.
I really liked this dialogue:
“Whoa. Paying for the booth before the con even opens is way better than a con boyfriend.”
“You are still smiling.”
“He’d make a nice con boyfriend. Those cheekbones. Then he won a hand and those dimples and his eyes lit up. I should draw a picture while I still remember.”
Amber pulled her sandwich out of the bag. “Stop. Now. You are grossing me out.”
“Our hands touched and I swear there were sparks.”
“Oh God. Please no.”
There had been no sparks, not literally. He had paid intense concentration to her as she explained the rules. That was damn sexy.
I also liked the details you provided about her being an artist (the white paint on her fingernails) and how she wanted to draw him. Also, I’ve been to book conventions and miniatures conventions, so these may be a different set-up than a booth, but there you have a table and no back table so people have to eat lunch on lap or on little side tables that they’ve brought or the plastic boxes that they’ve stored their wares in that now can serve as a table on the side. If they have a back table, do they have to clear it to make space? Are they storing additional games there? Because the front table is used to show how to play the game?