Chapter 4 questions–Did I go overboard with gangster’s dialogue? a bit, yes, IMO.
Is having her hide under the bed too cliche to get away with? It was believable.
I couldn’t figure out a way to differentiate the mob, so I used their shoes. They are pretty brazen in their admissions of guilt. Maybe a touch too convenient.
Is the sex scene appropriate for a virgin’s 1st experience beyond kissing? I am confused as to why Penn would be willing to bed her if she wasn’t a virgin but not if she was? How did he come to be there when she’s talking to the police? What is the point of the sex scene?
I changed Penn’s arc. He’s still the bad guy, but not to the point that he ordered their deaths. His lead man, the man in the dark coat, goes rogue. It will definitely be interesting to see how she works through uncovering the truth and dealing with her feelings for Penn.
Your dialogue is detailed and full of voice. I am convinced you can infuse the action with similar character POV intensity.
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