Rebecca’s Lesson Six response to Lethal Lies:
I really like this set-up, Vicki, and I want to know what happens next. I’m mostly sympathetic and interested in a guy who is forced into taking a job he didn’t want to do. You’ve probably re-written this by now, but here are the specifics I found in Rewrite #2.
Building cases. Making arrests. A spot on an organized crime task force.
I like these examples that you’ve added to this revision. Maybe (not sure if this is the place for it??) this could be even more specific to the character and plot, such as Making arrests like finally taking down the Masked Dog Serial Killer who had rampaged through Oakton.
Drip. Drip. Drip. The leaky faucet in the airport’s break room kitchenette was driving him crazy.
I love this specific detail. It adds to his character and to the setting at the same time.
Nothing beat six years in the cockpit of an F-16 to make a guy comfortable commanding an aircraft.
I think this is well on the way to becoming another great and telling detail.
You then go into more specific details about the setting, which I find credible because he’s noticing these things in his boredom.
There is a place that loses credibility for me. When he first sees her, the way the details are presented make me not like him—it’s all about evaluating her appearance and attractiveness. I think he would assess her professionally, as an asset or liability to his mission, and he could be distracted by her appearance but not focused on it. I think that would fit better with your story and isn’t just my personal prejudice, but I could easily be wrong.