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#42967
rebecca.rector
Participant

Rebecca’s Lesson Six comments on Mary Haselbauer’s In the Cards

Hi Mary,

I know I’ve read some other comments on your piece but I can’t find them in this folder, so forgive me if I repeat something someone else has said. (Maybe I’m supposed to post in my own folder?)

I really like the Con setting and the idea that these women have created their own game. At least I think that’s what they’ve done. I think you need more specifics in that first paragraph because I don’t know where we are or what’s happening. Maybe there’s a way to combine it with the second one and Amber slides in quietly with lunch so Cecilia can keep talking to the client. The detail about the white paint on her thumbnail is specific but other than the reference to drawing a picture above that, I don’t really know why it’s there. Maybe she got it while painting the booth. If you had more details to break up the previous dialogue, I think we’d be more grounded in who these women are—what they care about, what their goals are, etc. The rest of the passage doesn’t really illuminate the plot or characters. There’s so much potential in the scene and I’d love to see more when you flesh it out.

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