Linnea, Yikes, this was hard. Not really understanding SF makes this difficult. I’ve read over and over the two version so here goes.
I do see a lack of specificity in your setting of the first version. I am not sure where Trilby is except on a ledge somewhere. The second version it seems clear she is on a space vehicle, and the setting is much more specific especially in your opening first sentence.
Trilby’s character and inner thoughts are much better expressed and revealed n the second version….I can really feel the fear and at the end the triumph. I did not get that as much in the first version.
There is backstory in the first version, but it is difficult to follow who the enemies are and who are the good guys. Sorry wish I could have done this better.