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The main thing that stuck out to me was that the second version seems much more active. We’re starting off in the action.
When I analyzed using some of the lessons we’ve learned, I felt the first lacked a sense of urgency. There’s a lot of sitting and she doesn’t seem to feel particularly worried or threatened. This contrasts to the second version, where the alarm is blaring, she’s bumping into things and knocking them to the floor. She’s sweaty. She’s got equipment malfunction, etc. I would say it hits pretty squarely on Fear of Extinction.
There’s also more specifics in the second one: the ship’s console, bad/broken equipment, we know it’s a freighter, etc.
Thanks for sharing. You don’t often get to see the progression of an author’s work.