Since I just read this, it was fascinating to see an original opening.
In the final opening, you’re hooked immediately because you have an “intruder” alarm going off. She “shot” to her feet, she “bolts.” You can feel the tension and the danger with the use of all those words. And specific words just keep adding to it. “more trouble than she can handle”, “coils of black conduit snaked”, “crazed staccato”, “data ominous and incomplete”. Equipment problems. I also immediately got a sense of Trilby’s character – competent, resourceful, scrappy.
The original feels more contemplative and she’s a spectator to a firefight, but she doesn’t actually have a bone in the fight (yet). And this line “she no longer felt the Yscko were a threat, at least, not to her, not here” immediately reduces the conflict and tension. A lot of setting, but it is not impinging on her character the way it did above and thus showing her character as she deals with equipment malfunctions.
And I am so glad you added Dezi, because he is so funny. And sweet.
And congratulations on your son’s engagement if I read that correctly. If they just got engaged after being quarantined together, that’s true love 🙂