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The original feels more contemplative and she’s a spectator to a firefight, but she doesn’t actually have a bone in the fight (yet). And this line “she no longer felt the Yscko were a threat, at least, not to her, not here” immediately reduces the conflict and tension. A lot of setting, but it is not impinging on her character the way it did above and thus showing her character as she deals with equipment malfunctions.
Yes, it is more contemplative because I was playing it safe. I was moving the camera in slowly. I’d also not read Dwight V Swain yet–nor any other “how to” tome on crafting commercial genre fiction. What you have in the original opening is untrained prose by an avid avid reader with a journalism degree. 🙂
And congratulations on your son’s engagement if I read that correctly. If they just got engaged after being quarantined together, that’s true love 🙂
Hah! Yes, Thomas and Kristy got engaged after a year of dating. We are thrilled. We’ve not met her yet (10 hours distance plus COVID) but our/Rob’s daughter, Jaime, (Thomas and Jaime are my stepchildren but I’ve been stepmom since 1980 so…) and her hubs met Kristy and they approve 1000%. 🙂
//Interstellar Adventure Infused with Romance//