Reply To: Friday Session 1 – Showing Stress

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#43890
Allie Pleiter
Participant

“Just like that, you keep me, as if I were some stray puppy.” She turned to hide the tears threatening to flow.
Dory

Yes, this shows more stress!

In fact, I think you can take it even further. She’s just learned a life-altering secret. Consider losing the commas and taking her all the way to incomplete sentences and some repetition.  Something like:

“Just like that. You keep me, just like that. As if I were a puppy. A stray.”

Incomplete sentences allow the reader to hear the character struggling to speak–and that’s what you want to depict here. Never be afraid to ditch grammar in favor of high emotion!

–Allie

Allie Pleiter
Author - Speaker - Coach
www.alliepleiter.com

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