Reply To: Lesson 3 – Launching a scene

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#43891
Allie Pleiter
Participant

Hearing the call, Kieran raced to the top of the parapet.”He yelled over his shoulder to a young sentry. “See that the archers are in place. Women and children to the keep”  As the man started to move away, Kieran added, “That includes Victoria. Make her go.”

Dory

You’ve established a lot in here. Battle scene, Kieran is a man in command, historical time period, threatened community, care for Victoria. Well done! The only thing I would add is one more word to tell us what the “call” was–alarm? Call to arms? Watchtower signal?  Don’t go into more detail than one or two words–just enough to keep the reader from popping out of the story for the second it takes to wonder “what call”?

–Allie

Allie Pleiter
Author - Speaker - Coach
www.alliepleiter.com

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