Great work and share! There is a good amount of voice here, and I think it’s enough to pull a reader in. Although I’d personally love to see a bit more comparison. Not only does this person not care, but what about their posture/body language/dress/etc. shows this? I feel like in these lines, even a slight sense of why they are there even (are they forced into it?) could be snuck in.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Win by Harlan Coben</p>
“The shot that will decide the championship is slowly arching its way toward the basket.
I do not care.
Everyone else in Indianapolis’s Lucas Oil Stadium stares at the ball with mouth open.
I do not.”
- Using “do not” (twice) instead of “don’t” is showing the character’s strong feeling about the situation. And a short description of the settings—including “them” as a contrast to the one speaking person—followed by the character’s opposite reaction.
- It’s first person POV—using “I”
- It’s written in present tense. Perhaps it adds more tension to the moment—as “is slowly arching” vs “was slowly arching”. I’m not sure it’d be less intense if past tense was used for “I did not care.”
- I’m not fan of present tense but it’s the author’s choice. Later in the book, though, I’d change several of Win’s comments that sound too much like Myron’s but it’s not part of the homework.
Katie McCoach, Instructor
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