It looks like Zara gave lots of feedback on your letter/synopsis. My general thought on the query is that you want to focus more on the conflict/stakes for your main character. A formula I learned for writing blurbs (and also works in query letters) is: tagline/logline/description. In the description, you would include things such as: what the character wants, why she wants it, and what’s standing in her way.
I would also move the info (title, word count, genre, etc.) to the beginning of the query.
I hope that helps.