Reply To: Exercise 4

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#50201
shari.heinrich
Participant

Critique on Ruchama’s piece
(spoilers)

Thank you, Ruchama, for sharing this flash.

This piece draws me in with the sensory details. I’m right there with your MC, trying to make sense of a night of drinking I don’t remember. I immediately think “what if she was drugged” and I’m worried about her. The strange details her clothes all in a line, PERFECTION. that builds my unease, that something is SO not right.

The details woven in, she hasn’t been a ‘good girl” and she doesn’t measure up to her mom resonate with me as a female reader, and that sadness when I don’t measure up.

The turn works for me, the reveal that she’d had a stroke–and now all those odd things make sense, and the games her still-live mind, or now-dead mind, pull together. The mythology behind covering the mirror, a nice “aha” moment for me..

In Peter’s “checklist”–
you begin with a hook, the MC is clear. I THINK her want/ is clear–to figure out what the heck happened last night. The conflict is built in to her situation, and that twist ending works.

What could have worked better for me, and you’ve already said it’s something you’ve been working on–getting the emotion into the piece. I’d like a better sense of her as a character–is she one who reacts calmly to crisis, or who flies into all the “what if” scenarios? What is her emotional state? if I see she’s the unflappable person, then her calm to this situation makes sense. Right now, I don’t fully buy her willigness to close her eyes and go back to sleep

You’ve got a super solid flash. Well done. Good luck as you edit, and look for markets. Thanks for being part of this class.

Shari

[pls excuse typos–lunch over, gotta get back on clock, so no time to proof what I’d typed up in notepad]

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