Reply To: Exercise 8



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 Reply To: Exercise 8



#50315
Joanna Jelen
Participant

Hi Peter,

Thank you for giving me more time and posting the classes for the next year. I’ll keep my fingers crossed your creative adventures come true.

I corrected as much Ponglish as I could, one of my CPs helped, too. I hope the theme is clearer now. I also added a concrete decree in place of a vague phrase, thinking it might make the opening more intriguing. Please let me know if it works.

I also did the other revision steps per Lesson 8. With a few prompts, I can practically recite the whole story 🙂 Three times, I woke up thinking about Little Johnny… As a side note: Google Docs flagged more errors than autocrit (the free version). Go figure.

Little Johnny ended with 885 words. Here is the corrected opening:

“Today, One Mustn’t Spank the Kids movement starts the golden age of child welfare. The authorities voted to extend parental support until offspring reach legal adulthood. The penalty for noncompliance——” The automatic door cuts off the loudspeaker at the bus stop.

“Sounds like the orders issued at my school days merely achieved a silver age.” I smirk at the elderly lady sandwiched between the window and me, but she quickly hides behind her wrinkled eyelids.

 

PS. I’m sorry I’m a pest but since you wrote you like editing, I’d like to save my spot in the line. Just in case 🙂

Wishing you the best,

Joanna

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