I copied your submission into a Word doc and turned on Track Changes. I hope this works for you.
I made several comments/suggestions, most of which were about making your dialogue snappier, getting rid of mundane conversational exchanges that don’t move the story forward, and over-explaining, which creates a feeling of repetition. I also noted that you start almost every sentence with a pronoun. I highlighted several on the first page, which is why you’ll see all of the formatting notations in the comment pane.
Please take it all with a grain of salt. We all have different voices and different ideas about how things should be said. If my suggestions don’t feel right, please ignore.