Sorry to be so late getting back to you on this. Life has been super hectic. Anyway here is some feedback and some suggestions.
Original: In a realm where magic is a requirement, Crystal Dare must prove she possesses a spellcasting talent. And she would—if she knew what it was.
Now, on the eve of her twenty-first birthday, she’s run out of time. Facing exile, she seeks help from an outlawed soul reader. But when he warns of grave danger, can she do what she fears most?
You have captured the paranormal setting and laid out the stakes. What is missing is the love story element. In fact, Burke isn’t even mentioned.
Here’s a possible suggestion:
Without a spellcasting talent, Crystal Dare will be ejected from the magic realm and forced to live among the mundane. Now on the eve of her twenty-first birthday, she’s run out of time.
But when she meets with an outlawed soul reader, she discovers she does have a talent, one that could destroy everything. She has only one choice–exile. But can she abandon the young store clerk whose touch electrifies them both?
Not perfect, but something to work with.
Hope it helps.