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Here is Chapter 24. Reads well. Made a few corrections and comments. Zara
Just a few comments. Use what is helpful. Zara
Here are some comments on Chapter 5. Use what is helpful. Zara
I was happy to read your query and synopsis and think you have a great premise for your romance. Not having read the chapter, I do think I came at this the way an agent or editor would who has not read any of your work. So I did have several questions for you.
Note: this is my first time looking at your work, so let me emphasize that I make lots of comments, but I don’t expect you to use them all. Just consider the ones that you think work for you. If you have questions, just ask
I’m back. Dead computer fixed and finally have everything loaded back on it. I apologize for not keeping up with your story, Carla. I dove into 22 and will work back, if I have time.
This chapter held my interest and was full of action. Just noted a few things that stood out to me in the reading for you to consider.
Here is my feedback on CH 1. Zara
Here is my feedback. Use what is helpful. Zara
Here is my take on this opening.
Blair Massengill stood next to the steps leading to the stage, resplendent in a blue dress that accentuated her sapphire eyes and obscured the luscious curves Mark Blackwell knew lay beneath. Photos from her college tennis days a decade ago showed curves in abundance, along with a steely resolve and, according to her bio, a forehand that left her opponents quivering in fear.
The opening line is intriguing. The reader will want to know more about this woman and how Mark knew about her curves. That is a good start to a romance. I agree with Ana though that the next sentence doesn’t follow smoothly. I am assuming Mark is comparing her to the photo he saw. I think an easy fix would be to add something like:
The woman matched the photo……
Mark nodded. Yes, she was still a perfect match to her….
These are just suggestions. I am sure you can rework this sentence to tie in better. I look forward to reading more.
Welcome to the group, Todd.
You are perfectly correct that there is a continuum of POVs, and a good author uses them all. However certain genres lean more to one end or the other. You are writing a light-hearted romance with fabulous characters that has what authors strive for –“voice.” This type of romance calls for a deeper POV to maintain consistency in that voice.
A middle POV would be something like Nicolas Sparks in this excerpt.
Tru spoke enough of the man’s language to keep a conversation going; in all, he was relatively fluent in six languages, two of them tribal. The other four were English, French, German, and Spanish. It was one of the qualities that made him an employee sought after by lodges. He eventually dropped the man off and continued his drive, finally reaching a road paved in asphalt. He stopped for lunch soon after, simply pulling off the road to eat in the bed of his truck in the shade of an acacia tree. The sun was high by then and the world around him was quiet, no animals in sight.
Sparks, Nicholas. Every Breath (pp. 22-23). Grand Central Publishing. Kindle Edition.
A light-hearted romance like yours is more like this one by Marie Force (she would make a good comp for you, by the way). Note the strong verbs and actions.
Mac waved to the driver. He cleared the cargo area and fixed his gaze on the Beachcomber, the iconic building that anchored the town. The quacking horn of a Range Rover painted yellow and tricked out like a duck—complete with a bill affixed to the hood—caught Mac’s eye. Laughing at the JSTDKY license plate, he stepped off the curb onto Main Street. A searing pain stabbed through his left leg, sending him sprawling into the street.
Maid for Love (Gansett Island Series Book 1) (p. 5). HTJB, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Both of these examples by best-selling authors are beautifully written and convey meaning and image to the reader. Both authors use a range of POV in these books, but Marie leans toward deeper, and Nicolas leans toward more distant so they feel different. It is your decision as to the voice you want to convey, but do think about consistency and who will be reading your novel and what their expectations are based on similar books to yours that they have read.
Hope that helps explain why I was making all those suggestions. My goal was the maintain the same light-hearted, genre correct voice so beautifully expressed in Chapter 1 throughout the work. I hope you will do the same for me. Zara
Here is my feedback on Ch 14. Sorry to be giving you such a hard time on deep POV. You are so close to having a perfect voice to this story that those little slips really stick out to me. Use what is helpful and makes sense to you. If you don’t have the Emotion Thesaurus, I highly recommend it. There is a new edition out with lots more emotions in it. Zara
Hi Carla, Hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Here is Chapter 13 with my picky comments. Use what is useful. Zara
Congratulations to all, no matter how many words you wrote!!! Every word counts.
My total for the 29 and 30th is 4161. Worked hard to get over 50,000.
My total for Monday through Saturday is 11,587.
- This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by Zara West.
Sorry to be behind. Here is some feedback on Ch 12. I was very picky about POV. Hope it helps. Zara
Thank you for the read through, Carla, and the little catches. Everyone’s feedback means so much to me. Zara
My total this week was 7922. Zara
- This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Zara West.
Here is the right one, Anna. Zara
Thank you, Jenn and Ana and all the rest of my readers for all your help in bringing Hooked on Love to fruition. I still have more editing to do, but not as much as I would if I didn’t have your feedback. Thanks again. Zara
Ana, You are going to hate me for making more work for you. The story is so great and the last chapter is so important so I really picked this ending chapter apart. Please use only what you agree with and find helpful. Ignore the rest. Zara
Reread. Nice fixes. Found a few things to comment on still. Zara
Hi Ana, Glad my comments helped. Ch 28 looks incomplete. Check and see if you attached the correct draft. I have attached a few comments.
Here is Ch 27. I will get to the other one later today. The ends are tying up nicely for Ammi, her father, and Felicity, but there are structural things to consider in how the scene unfolds. Made a bunch of suggestions. Use what is useful. Zara
Hi Jenn, Sorry about that missing attachment. I do not have your crit on Chapter 21. I just looked again in the listing and do not see it. If you can resend, I would deeply appreciate it. I value your feedback so much. Zara
So sorry. My mistake. I was interrupted several times in the process of sending last night’s request off.
Anyway, I see it is attached now. Hope you enjoy the ending of Hooked on Love. Zara
Thank you, Ana and Carla for the feedback on Ch 21. Lots of great catches.
I have attached the last two chapters. I hope that you find the ending satisfying. Let me know if you see any lose ends please. All feedback deeply appreciated.
Here is some feedback on Ch 11. Use what is helpful. I had no idea how cake sculpture was done. Went out and watched a video or two. I think you did a good job on the description.
Way to go, Laura. Every word written is a cause for celebration! Zara
Hope you had fun writing this week.
Here’s a cool quote:
Women with clean houses do not have finished books. ~Joy Held
My total for Week 3 is 10,882
Grand total so far is 28, 003.
Cheers to everyone on your writing accomplishments!
My week 2 Total is 15908. Feeling good about that as I got off to a rough start. Zara